"If I could put time in a bottle...."

Time......slipping through our hands
flying, ticking away....
we are always chasing it.....
Time is a hot commodity....you can't bank it.....
can't save it .....
Life gives no refunds on our time.
While you are doing what your doing....time is ticking AWAY...that word away....meaning going, gone....forever. Time is not important to anyone but us humans....
that is because we love,we cherish,we value each other, yet sometimes the most important thing we can do for one another is give of our time and we dont.
Why is that? Well....let's start with...work, kids, house, chores....just to start....
Kids...yes they are where our time should be
focused....
Work...it should have a piece of the pie because we have to feed those kids....
the rest....
just stuff.....
stuff that wont matter when we are out of Time!

My Other Self

Inspiration comes from so many different places and sources. If we are not open to it we will miss it......so many things inspire me lately and in so many different ways. I have begun to take better care of my health and who would have known that in doing that I would be inspired to live my whole life better.....Cleansing....God it feels so good....to cleanse the body, the mind, the spirit......Cleansing the body has been a practice for thousands of years ....little did I know that it would inspire me to cleanse other areas of my life.....Toxins are just that...Toxic...dangerous, unhealthy.....We find them everywhere....sometimes in our lives, our habits, our thinking.....some toxins are unnamed....they come in the form of people....those people that cant wait to bring you down ....just like the flu that waits on the grocery cart for you to grab it and give it a place to grow. Not such a great thought is it!?
I have to say I owe some of these "toxins" a thank you.......for I have learned in ridding them from my body my life that I have another "self". Not the Gemini twin that I am forever joking about but my true authentic self.....and this self has been inspired by many things..........
Friendship....an amazing gift from someone that believes in you, without judgement, with complete heart and soul....inspires me to be worthy. 
Books....I have always loved to read, however for the longest time I stopped. I dont know why....I just did....lately I cant get enough....audio books, books on my nightstand, my purse, my car......I have 3 going right now.....all inspiring me in so many ways.
Business......I have to be honest...I have never been inspired by business...My mind works creatively....not in a business sense....I wish it did...but lately......I am inspired by my new business....by the people in it...and because I know I am helping someone by doing it.....I never realized how great that would feel....the paycheck is just the icing on the cake.
In one of the books I am reading it talks about being positive.....how many times do we hear this....I am a very positive person but today I had an AHA! moment.....being positive is hard and thinking positive isnt enough....you have to BE positive, exude positivity, live it and walk and talk it.....Then...it will change your life and believe it or not those around you. It is like my Mom used to say......be the light....I get it now.

In my new business I have been working on my mission statement, goals and my "why" for what I want in life.....This is not an easy task.....I have to say I am still working on it but in writing this piece I have discovered one of my "why"'s, and part of my mission statement.(that to come later). I love helping people....whether it is to get through tough times or lose weight or whatever....I like being a cheerleader....and while Im writing this I am discovering more of my other self.....I never thought I was a leader because leaders are aggressive, egotistical, and bossy right? NO....they dont have to be.....I, as I write this have decided to become a leader. Wow....my other self.....hmmm....should I save that for another post? Naww....what the hell....Lets see....my other self is...............a writer, a leader, a teacher. a student, positive, happy, growing, becoming........ME!

How do you pry open the file cabinet in your brain that is overflowing with beautiful thoughts and amazing stories?

Sitting here tonight at my computer with so much in my head that I feel as though I'm in the eye of a storm.....stories, thoughts, words......swirling around me yet here I sit....blank....in the last week I packed and unpacked my my life.....sorting through pictures, memories, knick knacks and "stuff".  Cleared out alot of those things that were not useful or meaningful to me anymore......Letting go.....something I wish I could do with my brain! As I was going through those things I was flooded with inspiration to write.....to tell my story of where I have been but I also realized that I want to tell another story......the one of my life to come.
Sitting here tonight, physically and emotionally spent I feel numb, yet a million things on my mind.....chatter...lots of chatter....if I could only organize that chatter I could express myself......Being a Gemini is what my Mom used to call it.....she always swore I had two personalities...and I think I might...there is a side of me that is the eternal optimist.....always happy.....always putting out that positive energy, having fun, laughing , living, loving......and then....there is the side that is confused, sad, sometimes angry at the choices I have made. The side that is a loner.....and lonely even when I'm in a room full of people....this side is the one that creates.....this side is the one that is always asking "why".....I have amazing faith in God and I know that He has a plan for me but this side of me wants to ask Him...."why"? Why have I had to lose so much? Why is it the tighter I hold on it pops out of my grasp? Why did I let go of the loves that could have made me happy? Why did I hang on to the one that didn't? Why do I feel less and not good enough?.....I could go on and on....because this is my self defeating side....the one that I know drives God crazy and it drove my Mom crazy.....these are answers I need .....however these answers are only going to come from one place.....within my own heart...(see....here comes my positive side) LOL...I don't feel sorry for myself.....I actually feel blessed because I am so much stronger and better because of what I have been through....I just don't want to waste anymore time making the same mistakes......I want to write....and write...and write......So why cant I find my way? Writing this blog right now is just journaling.....just releasing...I can write it easier than I could talk about it.....and Im so tired that nothing is making sense...as I am rattling I realized the subject I need to work on, the one that I need to write about is Letting Go......and then there is the book....Vegas Daughters....Journey to the beginning....maybe I dont need to start from the beginning...maybe I need to do just what the title says.....Journey to the beginning....from now going back....(Sigh....long Sigh) Wow...not sure I should even post this except I know my creative friends will help me organize my brain!!! LOL You know who you are!!! I guess the first step to take is to Let Go....I need to let go of the thoughts that dont matter....the drama of people that dont put me in the same place as I put them...I need to let go of the old me.....Wow...I just got it....epiphany!....That is it.....I talk about feeling like the butterfly that is breaking from her cocoon and that is how my life has been but I am not allowing myself to "feel" it......I have so many things I have been through that I dont think people will really believe them....lol...so many stories that come to right now.....where do I start...? Thinking about them makes me cry and feel empowered at the same time.....does that make sense.....should I delete this post....could they commit me LOL.....The butterfly must be so tired from all that work.....I cant wait to feel what they feel when they finally break through.....FREE.

Mama

You filled my day with rainbow lights
Fairytales and sweet dream nights
   A kiss to wipe away my tears
Chocolate pudding to ease my fears
You gave the gift of life to me
And then in love you set me free
  I thank you for your tender care,
for deep warm hugs and being there.

In the end the choice was on me...
Now I was the one that had to set you free

So much regret, so much pain.....

   I know what you went through

       Again......and again

I knew from your eyes....it was time to end

I hope that when you think of me

  A part of you , you will always see

I love you Momma....til eternity ends

   Your daughter and always your best friend

Unconditional Faith..........jumping and not being afraid.

The "Life Panel" Part 2 Rough Draft

It was in the morning hours when they had finally moved her to a room. I looked at my Dad, it seemed as though he aged 20 years in front of my eyes that night. Talking to him I realized what I already knew in my heart but would not allow my thoughts to believe.....her disease had progressed....but with her disease was something else.....something the doctors were looking for....answers to our questions...."What happened?" What had caused her to go into this severe of an attack.....there were so many blood tests being ran on her that her arms looked like she had been beaten. Still no answers......they moved her to intensive care where there were monitors everywhere, tv's to the nurses station......rooms filled with death....the intense feeling of sadness and loss.........where was the hope?
My sister and I decided to stay and let my Dad go and get some rest...my brothers and him would come back the next day.....we weren't leaving her. At the time our fear was she would awake without us there and be scared....later our reasons for staying became sureal. Not knowing what was ahead, my little sister with her scared doe eyes sat and looked at me and for the first time in a long time we were closer than we thought we would ever be. We were facing losing her....with three or four triple latte's in our exhausted, adreniline, caffeine powered bodies we sat in chairs next to her bed.  God gave us a break in the stress with a case of the giggles....here we were two grown women, laughing because we picked our underwear in front of the nurse tv....we laughed so hard because we knew we couldnt cry......we were not accepting anything and that was just how it was. Yes ....she was sick....but in our Pollyanna minds....she was MOM....she was invincible and she was one of God's greatest servants....we knew it would be ok....we would nor allow our faith to waiver...at least most of the time....As I sat staring at my little mama watching the rythmic pace and sound of the machine pumping life into her and I remembered a late night conversation only just a month before. 

We sat at her breakfast bar.....oh the conversations around that! I asked her a question that was weighing heavily on my heart "Ma.....how do I know what unconditional faith is?" I asked.  She knew I had been through the last 5 years of hell with my health and my marriage....she knew she had raised me to have a close relationship with God.....so she gave me the only answer she had. With her big beautiful brown eyes she looked at me, put her hand on mine and said "You will know." Of course I asked the question I had drove her crazy with my whole life..."How?"...."You will just know in your heart....just be quiet and just listen to God"
At that time during her sickness and after I had that unconditional faith.....not because I thought about it or tried....just because that is the way it was. As I type this story I realize that from the day I learned about having faith in God, I had unconditional faith.....a gift that a beautiful mother had given her daughter. As my own daughter grows into a beautiful young woman I see that she too has learned the power of faith. An incredible legacy that she will need to get her through the life she is about to embarq on.....very scary....It is like watching my life start over through her only she is wise and grounded and I have faith she will not make the same mistakes I made.

Unconditional faith is a no brainer when it comes to life....You have to give it to God....it is in his hands no matter how you beg or plead or bargain with him, ultimately it will be His choice. So have faith and trust that He will do what is best for you, even if you dont think so at the time!

Sometimes in our deepest pain we find our best inspiration