The "Life Panel" Part 2 Rough Draft

It was in the morning hours when they had finally moved her to a room. I looked at my Dad, it seemed as though he aged 20 years in front of my eyes that night. Talking to him I realized what I already knew in my heart but would not allow my thoughts to believe.....her disease had progressed....but with her disease was something else.....something the doctors were looking for....answers to our questions...."What happened?" What had caused her to go into this severe of an attack.....there were so many blood tests being ran on her that her arms looked like she had been beaten. Still no answers......they moved her to intensive care where there were monitors everywhere, tv's to the nurses station......rooms filled with death....the intense feeling of sadness and loss.........where was the hope?
My sister and I decided to stay and let my Dad go and get some rest...my brothers and him would come back the next day.....we weren't leaving her. At the time our fear was she would awake without us there and be scared....later our reasons for staying became sureal. Not knowing what was ahead, my little sister with her scared doe eyes sat and looked at me and for the first time in a long time we were closer than we thought we would ever be. We were facing losing her....with three or four triple latte's in our exhausted, adreniline, caffeine powered bodies we sat in chairs next to her bed.  God gave us a break in the stress with a case of the giggles....here we were two grown women, laughing because we picked our underwear in front of the nurse tv....we laughed so hard because we knew we couldnt cry......we were not accepting anything and that was just how it was. Yes ....she was sick....but in our Pollyanna minds....she was MOM....she was invincible and she was one of God's greatest servants....we knew it would be ok....we would nor allow our faith to waiver...at least most of the time....As I sat staring at my little mama watching the rythmic pace and sound of the machine pumping life into her and I remembered a late night conversation only just a month before. 

We sat at her breakfast bar.....oh the conversations around that! I asked her a question that was weighing heavily on my heart "Ma.....how do I know what unconditional faith is?" I asked.  She knew I had been through the last 5 years of hell with my health and my marriage....she knew she had raised me to have a close relationship with God.....so she gave me the only answer she had. With her big beautiful brown eyes she looked at me, put her hand on mine and said "You will know." Of course I asked the question I had drove her crazy with my whole life..."How?"...."You will just know in your heart....just be quiet and just listen to God"
At that time during her sickness and after I had that unconditional faith.....not because I thought about it or tried....just because that is the way it was. As I type this story I realize that from the day I learned about having faith in God, I had unconditional faith.....a gift that a beautiful mother had given her daughter. As my own daughter grows into a beautiful young woman I see that she too has learned the power of faith. An incredible legacy that she will need to get her through the life she is about to embarq on.....very scary....It is like watching my life start over through her only she is wise and grounded and I have faith she will not make the same mistakes I made.

Unconditional faith is a no brainer when it comes to life....You have to give it to God....it is in his hands no matter how you beg or plead or bargain with him, ultimately it will be His choice. So have faith and trust that He will do what is best for you, even if you dont think so at the time!