Sitting here tonight at my computer with so much in my head that I feel as though I'm in the eye of a storm.....stories, thoughts, words......swirling around me yet here I sit....blank....in the last week I packed and unpacked my my life.....sorting through pictures, memories, knick knacks and "stuff". Cleared out alot of those things that were not useful or meaningful to me anymore......Letting go.....something I wish I could do with my brain! As I was going through those things I was flooded with inspiration to write.....to tell my story of where I have been but I also realized that I want to tell another story......the one of my life to come.
Sitting here tonight, physically and emotionally spent I feel numb, yet a million things on my mind.....chatter...lots of chatter....if I could only organize that chatter I could express myself......Being a Gemini is what my Mom used to call it.....she always swore I had two personalities...and I think I might...there is a side of me that is the eternal optimist.....always happy.....always putting out that positive energy, having fun, laughing , living, loving......and then....there is the side that is confused, sad, sometimes angry at the choices I have made. The side that is a loner.....and lonely even when I'm in a room full of people....this side is the one that creates.....this side is the one that is always asking "why".....I have amazing faith in God and I know that He has a plan for me but this side of me wants to ask Him...."why"? Why have I had to lose so much? Why is it the tighter I hold on it pops out of my grasp? Why did I let go of the loves that could have made me happy? Why did I hang on to the one that didn't? Why do I feel less and not good enough?.....I could go on and on....because this is my self defeating side....the one that I know drives God crazy and it drove my Mom crazy.....these are answers I need .....however these answers are only going to come from one place.....within my own heart...(see....here comes my positive side) LOL...I don't feel sorry for myself.....I actually feel blessed because I am so much stronger and better because of what I have been through....I just don't want to waste anymore time making the same mistakes......I want to write....and write...and write......So why cant I find my way? Writing this blog right now is just journaling.....just releasing...I can write it easier than I could talk about it.....and Im so tired that nothing is making sense...as I am rattling I realized the subject I need to work on, the one that I need to write about is Letting Go......and then there is the book....Vegas Daughters....Journey to the beginning....maybe I dont need to start from the beginning...maybe I need to do just what the title says.....Journey to the beginning....from now going back....(Sigh....long Sigh) Wow...not sure I should even post this except I know my creative friends will help me organize my brain!!! LOL You know who you are!!! I guess the first step to take is to Let Go....I need to let go of the thoughts that dont matter....the drama of people that dont put me in the same place as I put them...I need to let go of the old me.....Wow...I just got it....epiphany!....That is it.....I talk about feeling like the butterfly that is breaking from her cocoon and that is how my life has been but I am not allowing myself to "feel" it......I have so many things I have been through that I dont think people will really believe them....lol...so many stories that come to right now.....where do I start...? Thinking about them makes me cry and feel empowered at the same time.....does that make sense.....should I delete this post....could they commit me LOL.....The butterfly must be so tired from all that work.....I cant wait to feel what they feel when they finally break through.....FREE.
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You are so not alone! It is a process, a process of self discovery, of learning and coming to terms with who we are. We will all get there, maybe that's what they mean by the 'Promised Land'. Love ya, my sister!
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