The Dog Days of Summer.......honoring the end. (Rough Draft)

August 1st....feeling so heavy in my heart yet so blessed to be able to close my eyes or look at your picture and I can feel you there. I hear your voices in my own. My face to my feet I see you, sometimes Daddy that is not a good thing! (ie: I have his feet!) He is chuckling about now, laughing at me and my Mom, sitting there in her favorite spot, with her knee drawn up to her chest laughing at him. I loved those moments I have in my zillions of memories of time spent with them, most of them as an adult however, my childhood was amazing. It wasn't without trouble that is for sure and being the oldest I was nosey and knew everything that went on, not a good thing for a child. I have memories as early as 4 or 5 years old and my mom crying after a fight with my dad and he had left. I sat with her in the kitchen where she did everything, ironing, washing you name it! I would fall asleep and listen to her talk to my dad and by this time it wasn't a fight anymore they were making up. Life would be good again and ce sera sera! I am so blessed to have had those time with them and my kids and even though he made my life a wreck I realize I couldnt have done it without him. Sad you don't gain wisdom in your younger years because this is when you need it!! But back to today....this starts every year around July 23....I know its the memory of  when my mom collapsed in my arms...this heavy, deep feeling in my chest accompanied by little happenings that trigger memories.Today I was cleaning the grout in my kitchen and I hate gloves so I have my finger rubbing the grout and of course it stings right off! I can hear my dad's voice in my head saying to my mom..."didnt you teach her to wear gloves?" and my mom would roll her eyes and laugh!.....There is happiness in between the saddness....and everyday more and more happiness except these months of the dog days of summer.

Looking through the window

She sat and stared out the window waiting for the headlights to come down the street. There would be a bright light shining and she would hold her breath, but no....it wasn't him. This was the first of many nights that she would wait up looking through that window. The next day he would hang his head and apologize, he went to cash his check and had a beer with the guys and then someone had more so of course he didn't want to come home drunk so he would snort a little "just to get him home". The problem was he never made it home until the paycheck was gone and so were the drugs. But the paycheck wasn't the only thing lost, so was her trust.

He would straighten up just long enough for her to believe in him again, just long enough for her to "think" she was loved and safe. But it always came back, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she knew before he did when the next binge would happen. Each time the circumstances got worse. It started with a few beers, then he added a gram or two....which led to being gone an extra day...the paycheck lost in a machine....and Each time she was always left looking through the window..........

Yeah.....looking through the window became a past time.....what the hell was she thinkin"?  Then it happened, he straightened up for long enough that on her heart she knew her fairytale was coming true! Yeah right! So she thought....so she felt.....she would go to bed at night and watch him sleep and think how blessed they were that they came through the storm to find paradise. WHAT? Yep you heard me paradise, they were so connected that  he could make her believe anything. She believed him and they began building their family and for a few years it was amazing. She was mommy helper, cooked dinner, planned all of the kids activities, loved him through it all. It wasn't long until it happened again...........here she was two kids later........looking through the window...... To be continued........

For my Sister, my friend

When you feel you are feeling low....I will pick you up...when you think you can't take one more step I will help you....when you want to cry I will cry with you ....and then we will laugh and I will remind you how blessed we are to have each other.

We have been through hell and back and the more that life throws at us the more that we grow and the closer we become. I don't know what I would do without you.....and I don't know what you would do with out me....LOL...Today you turn 47....I remember when Mom brought you home from the hospital and you were so tiny. It is wild but I remember thinking you were a doll. Then we started to become people and boy were we opposites! Oil and water....the princess and the tomboy...you were dolls and I was motorcycles. We shared a room and fought like cats and dogs but when you were scared I stayed up with you because you thought the vampires were going to get you! We divided our room, picked on the boys when we were suppose to be taking naps, played barbies, and played in a pretend band. We made good memories when we were kids....then we grew up. We grew up and apart for awhile and then life began to happen....divorce for me...a terrible break up for you...then as women we began to bond...not without our fights of course! We were and still are completely different personalities but the events in our lives have brought us together. We have fought together, we have loved together, we have laughed together, we have lost together and we have cried together and honestly I don't know what I would do without you. When I am down you find a way to pick me up...when you are down...I will find a way to do the same. When one of us is forgetting how blessed we are the other always reminds the other one!! After losing Mom and Dad I was so alone and there you were....we got each other through it. And now everyday I thank God tbat you are not only my sister but my friend. I love you more today than I ever thought was possible....so today little sister HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you!

Needing to write

I sit here and I stare at the keyboard....I have given myself a deadline to finish my book and since doing so I have been frozen! What is it that puts that block into our heads when we have so many stories, so many beautiful moments, so many words needing to get out.....needing to jump onto the keyboard and become that dream that I dream about............Vegas Daughters....a book that needs to be written....a story that needs to be read...one that will eventually make it to the keyboard but for right now.......STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

Moments....

There are so many stories to be told, so many lives that will unfold, so many connections that bring us to this moment.....when we realize that all that has happened in life has been for this...this moment of happiness....this moment of feeling reconnected....this moment of friendship, love and family....the events in our lives have been getting us ready for our time...our time to transcend this life..........this might mean the end of our life as we know it now....it might even mean death. No matter what the end result every breath you have breathed, every step you have taken, every love you have loved, every heart broken, every birth and every loss.....brings you here....now....when it is time for you to transcend to your next phase in life whether it be with your twin soul or to be with the Lord....you must have given it your all....you must have loved as deep as it was possible, laughed so hard you would pee your pants, cried so hard your heart literally stops because that is what living is.....that is what we call life....It is not the number of breaths that we take....it is the moments that take our breath away! I am writing this tonight for my Daddy.....On Monday September 27, 2010 it will have been 3 years since I heard the last words he would ever say to me...."I love you too baby".....He was about life....he lived every minute of his life....and he used to tell me "life is to short to be unhappy" My Daddy might be gone but he taught me how to live....he taught me what it was like to be loved deeply, he taught me what it was to have someone believe in me because he always believed in me even when I didnt believe in myself....he taught me what a hero was.....because he was.....My Hero.

A first true love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEUP8uVwvBw&feature=related
He was smart, handsome in a boyish way and he was a successful contractor. She was young, married and the bosses daughter at the place he bought his concrete. Their two families had history, his father and her uncle were friends and were always getting in to trouble together.....they were couple of good ole boys just having some fun. Her dad and his uncle were the serious ones, his uncle was the president of a concrete company and her father the vice president.

His dad passed away while he was young and left him on his own, he soon started his own concrete company and became very successful. Her uncle always made sure he had work and would take him plans for jobs to bid on. Her dad also liked him like a son and took great care of him in business.  His daughter had never met him except for on the phone when he would order concrete....he was always polite and a little bit flirty.  She was a bit shy and backwards, married to a guy that kept her in her place, and eventually would start hitting her.  Their friendship blossomed and they would laugh and joke on the phone. It was good for her, he made her feel good about herself. She started to realize that the man she was married to wasn't right......she wasn't lucky that he married her, she wasn't ugly, in fact she was beautiful and a beautiful person.  She began to realize there was light at the end of the tunnel.....all because of this man she was about to meet.  He came into the office a few times to pay his bills and was always a gentleman, but would kid around with her....he was charming and she knew he could be trouble for her marriage, although it was already to the point of no return.

She would go home at night and cook dinner, she was young and newly married so of course she would have candles lit and the perfect table set. Then it was 6 o'clock, then 7, then 8....she would clean up but she left the table set with the food so that her husband would see how hard she was trying to be a good wife....she cried as she took her shower and climbed in bed.....at 11 o'clock he would stumble in with whiskey on his breath, if she pushed him away he would beat her.  She was always a tomboy and when it came to fighting she would have her fists in the air and ready to go but he took that from her....he beat her so badly that she was now afraid, she was more than afraid, she was petrified. Of course when he was done, he would wake up and cry and say that he didn't remember and would never do it again. No one knew her private hell....she put up a great front...she was the tough one...in fact people sometimes felt sorry for him because they thought she was so tough.  She was tough in the beginning....until he overpowered her and she let him take her soul. She was in no way a victim and never allowed herself to feel that way, she considered herself a survivor.....she survived it almost everyday.
She was to afraid to tell anyone....one because she was ashamed and the second and most important was that she knew if she told anyone her Daddy would kill him and go to prison. So she chose to deal with it the best that she could....sometimes thinking it was her fault. But then this bright light shown at the end of a very dark tunnel.......it was him....her contractor friend. It was the beginning of a friendship that spanned thirty years and began on his birthday.
It was March 20th, a Saturday and he had been teasing her on the phone all week about bringing a set of plans out to the job. This was something that her uncle usually did, however he had forgotten to do it on Friday so she decided to go. Her stomach was full of butterflies and her heart was racing as she pulled up to the job. There he stood, with that cocky little grin and one eye squinting because of the sun....."So you taking me to lunch...your uncle always takes me to lunch when he brings me plans!".....she was nervous but there wasn't anything else she could think about at that moment that she wanted to do more.

It was a great friendship, and yes there was a tension there, one that they both knew was there. They started to hang out together, especially when her husband would go out drinking with the guys from work, he didn't know it but she was afraid to go home....when she left him she would go to her girlfriends house and stay the night so that she wouldn't have to face another useless beating.  She began to feel empowered and started to make plans to leave her marriage, not for another man, but for herself. This new friend in her life made her realize that she was worthy of love, she was strong and that she had a life to live that would mean something.

It was a Friday night, her husband was out on a binge and she knew she could not go home...she had taken some clothes and was going to spend the night with her friend until Sunday.....her husband hated it when she did this but he knew why and when he sobered up he would call her crying.....it was starting to anger her and she knew he needed help. This Friday night her girlfriend had a date so she needed a place to go until she got home so of course she called her new friend.....They took a trip up to the old lodge in the mountains...had dinner and were sitting around the big fire pit inside having a few drinks...it was peaceful and the most calm she had felt in years. She was to young to be feeling this tired....He seemed to know she was struggling in her heart...he reached over and put his hand on hers and said..."Don't worry....everything will be ok...you will see".  He then got up and went to the juke box, played 2 songs for her....he never said another word until they were over....the first song was "Pretty Woman" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nAw9S95ZS4&feature=relatedand the other was "Lady" by Kenny Rogers..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3of2F1QXtKo&feature=related  she felt the tears well up in her eyes and tried to hide them....her emotions were all over the place but all she seemed to want to do was to let him hold her.  He stood up...held out his hand and all he said was ...."you better get home"....Terror struck her heart and he saw it. He walked her outside and put his hands on her shoulders and asked her what was going on......she couldn't tell him....it would put him in danger too....somehow he knew though....and all he said to her was..."You don't have to be afraid of anything....I will always be here for you...you know that".....being uncomfortable she started joking around and ran up a small embankment  to gather a snow ball.  When she was with him she felt so light.....she felt so safe.......so she gathered one up and started to throw it when she slipped.....of course....he was right there to catch her.....and it happened....their eyes met and he kissed her. It was like a scene from an old movie.....caught up in the kiss for what seemed the longest time they suddenly realized what was happening and pulled away. Her life would never be the same after that.

They began to see each other, she began to make plans to leave her marriage....but they both agreed it was because the marriage was over....not because of their relationship. It was going to be harder than she thought....her husband would threaten even more when she talked about separating, he refused to get help, she was feeling exhausted from a double life and guilty from not being able to live with integrity.

One night she decided to stay home and get some rest because she was just tired of running away....her husband came home drunk beyond drunk....he always wanted to fight with her, especially if he couldn't have his way....tonight she decided she was fighting back....before she could get the bathroom door closed and locked he had his body in the door and threw a punch that sent her to the floor....she crawled toward the stairs and he pulled her up and shoved her down them....she made her way to the door to the extra set of keys....she left her purse in the car on purpose...just in case...and she got away.  Crying and hurting she made it to the nearest pay phone and called him. She met him at the park and when he took her glasses of she began to cry.....he was angry, she had never seen this look in his beautiful blue eyes before....but he didn't say anything....he gently kissed her swollen cheek...told her to get in and took her to get ice. Once she was settled down he began to drive.....he wouldn't tell her where he was going and the when he took the Sahara exit she knew....she began to cry and plead with him. He was taking her to her parents, he was going to get her Dad. She was so scared she was trembling, she told him she could take it and didn't want him or her Dad to go to jail.....He pulled up in front of the house next door to her Moms and took her in his arms. " You have to promise me you will tell them and you will leave....not for me but before he kills you" he said through tears in his eyes. She would have told him anything so that her Dad wouldn't find out and she nodded yes....He drove her back to her car and followed her to her friends....her best friend by now knew and he took her there. She had good friends....they let her shower, made her food and made her crawl right in bed next to them....her best friend stoked her hair until she dosed off to sleep.

It was a few days later when she went home, during the week her husband was usually good and didn't drink. He was busy trying to make it up to her with stories like " he blacked out...doesn't remember...blah blah blah" and that was all she heard...she hated him now. She told her friend that she couldn't see him until she straightened this out....he understood but he didn't like it...he was worried. So he started stopping by and hanging out with her husband....he thought if he was there then she would be safe and she was for the most part. Because of all of the stress she ended up sick with bronchitis and started sleeping on the couch....she was safe there because when he would come in drunk he would pass her and go upstairs and pass out. One night she was finally starting to feel better and had dosed off into a deep sleep....all she remembers is her drunken husband dragging her upstairs by her hair...he was going to force himself on her....Her mind was spinning but she knew there would be no way this would ever ever happen again....he smacked her and when she fell to the ground she grabbed the gun in the nightstand, shoved the clip in and aimed right at his chest....he didn't stop...he came at her and she closed her eyes, prayed to God to forgive her and pulled the trigger............he fell to the ground.....laughing....the clip had fell out of the gun onto the floor. He lay on the floor laughing like a hyena .....she grabbed the phone called her best friend and ran, as hard and as fast as she could .....they picked her up in her t-shirt and underwear on the corner.  Again she stayed at their house.

Her best friend called him this time .....he rushed over.....he told her to meet him later he had a plan. So later that evening she met him....at the park...their favorite place. He had two plane tickets to California and wanted her to leave on Saturday...."We can start over....I can get my contractor license anywhere" he pleaded.....  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1xiFRccd88&feature=related (Lionel Richie My Love)    she started to cry....overwhelmed, feeling beaten down and yet so loved...she was only 21 years old....she told him she had to think about it......and then when she answered him she told him they needed to wait....He was angry...he didn't understand he told her if she loved him she would go....and she did...she loved him more than anything and that was part of the problem....she didn't want him to leave what he had worked so hard for here....what she didn't understand is that at that moment when she told him no....he began to let her go.....he couldn't handle her pain any longer and he loved her enough to let her figure out things on her own. Over the next few years it was a crazy time.....she left her husband....for herself.....her first love came in and out of her life but never really stayed gone. There are many many more stories that belong here but the most important thing to know is that over the next 28 years he was always there....even though they ended up with different people....they both always knew a piece of their hearts were each others......and now tomorrow September 14, 2010 I have to say goodbye to my first true love.....the man that gave me wings.....my knight in shining armor....and I will cry, yet inside my heart he lives and the memories which are to many to list here will live with me forever. RIP Butch....I know you'll be watching me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnJDaqT3-0 (/Every Breath You Take-Sting)

Believe

Even in our darkest hours
   it's there
Even when we feel like failure
   it's there
When we lose
   it is still there
It is at our lowest we find it
lying beneath the blanket of darkness
Hiding around negativity's corner

  it is there

Awaken your soul,

             have no fear

for your light rises each dawn

       your faith  always near

Another twenty four hours to get it right

Another day to stay in the light

And tho' the sun sets and darkness surrounds you,      

look up you will see

Hope smiles in the night sky .......right up until that last hour

Remember it is in the darkness

if we look.....

           We will find our Power