Vegas Daughter.....Journey to the beginning

Looking through the window

2011-03-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

She sat and stared out the window waiting for the headlights to come down the street. There would be a bright light shining and she would hold her breath, but no....it wasn't him. This was the first of many nights that she would wait up looking through that window. The next day he would hang his head and apologize, he went to cash his check and had a beer with the guys and then someone had more so of course he didn't want to come home drunk so he would snort a little "just to get him home". The problem was he never made it home until the paycheck was gone and so were the drugs. But the paycheck wasn't the only thing lost, so was her trust.

He would straighten up just long enough for her to believe in him again, just long enough for her to "think" she was loved and safe. But it always came back, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she knew before he did when the next binge would happen. Each time the circumstances got worse. It started with a few beers, then he added a gram or two....which led to being gone an extra day...the paycheck lost in a machine....and Each time she was always left looking through the window..........

Yeah.....looking through the window became a past time.....what the hell was she thinkin"? Then it happened, he straightened up for long enough that on her heart she knew her fairytale was coming true! Yeah right! So she thought....so she felt.....she would go to bed at night and watch him sleep and think how blessed they were that they came through the storm to find paradise. WHAT? Yep you heard me paradise, they were so connected that he could make her believe anything. She believed him and they began building their family and for a few years it was amazing. She was mommy helper, cooked dinner, planned all of the kids activities, loved him through it all. It wasn't long until it happened again...........here she was two kids later........looking through the window...... To be continued........

For my Sister, my friend

2011-03-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

When you feel you are feeling low....I will pick you up...when you think you can't take one more step I will help you....when you want to cry I will cry with you ....and then we will laugh and I will remind you how blessed we are to have each other.

We have been through hell and back and the more that life throws at us the more that we grow and the closer we become. I don't know what I would do without you.....and I don't know what you would do with out me....LOL...Today you turn 47....I remember when Mom brought you home from the hospital and you were so tiny. It is wild but I remember thinking you were a doll. Then we started to become people and boy were we opposites! Oil and water....the princess and the tomboy...you were dolls and I was motorcycles. We shared a room and fought like cats and dogs but when you were scared I stayed up with you because you thought the vampires were going to get you! We divided our room, picked on the boys when we were suppose to be taking naps, played barbies, and played in a pretend band. We made good memories when we were kids....then we grew up. We grew up and apart for awhile and then life began to happen....divorce for me...a terrible break up for you...then as women we began to bond...not without our fights of course! We were and still are completely different personalities but the events in our lives have brought us together. We have fought together, we have loved together, we have laughed together, we have lost together and we have cried together and honestly I don't know what I would do without you. When I am down you find a way to pick me up...when you are down...I will find a way to do the same. When one of us is forgetting how blessed we are the other always reminds the other one!! After losing Mom and Dad I was so alone and there you were....we got each other through it. And now everyday I thank God tbat you are not only my sister but my friend. I love you more today than I ever thought was possible....so today little sister HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you!

Needing to write

2010-11-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

I sit here and I stare at the keyboard....I have given myself a deadline to finish my book and since doing so I have been frozen! What is it that puts that block into our heads when we have so many stories, so many beautiful moments, so many words needing to get out.....needing to jump onto the keyboard and become that dream that I dream about............Vegas Daughters....a book that needs to be written....a story that needs to be read...one that will eventually make it to the keyboard but for right now.......STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

Moments....

2010-09-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many stories to be told, so many lives that will unfold, so many connections that bring us to this moment.....when we realize that all that has happened in life has been for this...this moment of happiness....this moment of feeling reconnected....this moment of friendship, love and family....the events in our lives have been getting us ready for our time...our time to transcend this life..........this might mean the end of our life as we know it now....it might even mean death. No matter what the end result every breath you have breathed, every step you have taken, every love you have loved, every heart broken, every birth and every loss.....brings you here....now....when it is time for you to transcend to your next phase in life whether it be with your twin soul or to be with the Lord....you must have given it your all....you must have loved as deep as it was possible, laughed so hard you would pee your pants, cried so hard your heart literally stops because that is what living is.....that is what we call life....It is not the number of breaths that we take....it is the moments that take our breath away! I am writing this tonight for my Daddy.....On Monday September 27, 2010 it will have been 3 years since I heard the last words he would ever say to me...."I love you too baby".....He was about life....he lived every minute of his life....and he used to tell me "life is to short to be unhappy" My Daddy might be gone but he taught me how to live....he taught me what it was like to be loved deeply, he taught me what it was to have someone believe in me because he always believed in me even when I didnt believe in myself....he taught me what a hero was.....because he was.....My Hero.

A first true love

2010-09-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEUP8uVwvBw&feature=related
He was smart, handsome in a boyish way and he was a successful contractor. She was young, married and the bosses daughter at the place he bought his concrete. Their two families had history, his father and her uncle were friends and were always getting in to trouble together.....they were couple of good ole boys just having some fun. Her dad and his uncle were the serious ones, his uncle was the president of a concrete company and her father the vice president.

His dad passed away while he was young and left him on his own, he soon started his own concrete company and became very successful. Her uncle always made sure he had work and would take him plans for jobs to bid on. Her dad also liked him like a son and took great care of him in business. His daughter had never met him except for on the phone when he would order concrete....he was always polite and a little bit flirty. She was a bit shy and backwards, married to a guy that kept her in her place, and eventually would start hitting her. Their friendship blossomed and they would laugh and joke on the phone. It was good for her, he made her feel good about herself. She started to realize that the man she was married to wasn't right......she wasn't lucky that he married her, she wasn't ugly, in fact she was beautiful and a beautiful person. She began to realize there was light at the end of the tunnel.....all because of this man she was about to meet. He came into the office a few times to pay his bills and was always a gentleman, but would kid around with her....he was charming and she knew he could be trouble for her marriage, although it was already to the point of no return.

She would go home at night and cook dinner, she was young and newly married so of course she would have candles lit and the perfect table set. Then it was 6 o'clock, then 7, then 8....she would clean up but she left the table set with the food so that her husband would see how hard she was trying to be a good wife....she cried as she took her shower and climbed in bed.....at 11 o'clock he would stumble in with whiskey on his breath, if she pushed him away he would beat her. She was always a tomboy and when it came to fighting she would have her fists in the air and ready to go but he took that from her....he beat her so badly that she was now afraid, she was more than afraid, she was petrified. Of course when he was done, he would wake up and cry and say that he didn't remember and would never do it again. No one knew her private hell....she put up a great front...she was the tough one...in fact people sometimes felt sorry for him because they thought she was so tough. She was tough in the beginning....until he overpowered her and she let him take her soul. She was in no way a victim and never allowed herself to feel that way, she considered herself a survivor.....she survived it almost everyday.
She was to afraid to tell anyone....one because she was ashamed and the second and most important was that she knew if she told anyone her Daddy would kill him and go to prison. So she chose to deal with it the best that she could....sometimes thinking it was her fault. But then this bright light shown at the end of a very dark tunnel.......it was him....her contractor friend. It was the beginning of a friendship that spanned thirty years and began on his birthday.
It was March 20th, a Saturday and he had been teasing her on the phone all week about bringing a set of plans out to the job. This was something that her uncle usually did, however he had forgotten to do it on Friday so she decided to go. Her stomach was full of butterflies and her heart was racing as she pulled up to the job. There he stood, with that cocky little grin and one eye squinting because of the sun....."So you taking me to lunch...your uncle always takes me to lunch when he brings me plans!".....she was nervous but there wasn't anything else she could think about at that moment that she wanted to do more.

It was a great friendship, and yes there was a tension there, one that they both knew was there. They started to hang out together, especially when her husband would go out drinking with the guys from work, he didn't know it but she was afraid to go home....when she left him she would go to her girlfriends house and stay the night so that she wouldn't have to face another useless beating. She began to feel empowered and started to make plans to leave her marriage, not for another man, but for herself. This new friend in her life made her realize that she was worthy of love, she was strong and that she had a life to live that would mean something.

It was a Friday night, her husband was out on a binge and she knew she could not go home...she had taken some clothes and was going to spend the night with her friend until Sunday.....her husband hated it when she did this but he knew why and when he sobered up he would call her crying.....it was starting to anger her and she knew he needed help. This Friday night her girlfriend had a date so she needed a place to go until she got home so of course she called her new friend.....They took a trip up to the old lodge in the mountains...had dinner and were sitting around the big fire pit inside having a few drinks...it was peaceful and the most calm she had felt in years. She was to young to be feeling this tired....He seemed to know she was struggling in her heart...he reached over and put his hand on hers and said..."Don't worry....everything will be ok...you will see". He then got up and went to the juke box, played 2 songs for her....he never said another word until they were over....the first song was "Pretty Woman" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nAw9S95ZS4&feature=relatedand the other was "Lady" by Kenny Rogers..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3of2F1QXtKo&feature=related she felt the tears well up in her eyes and tried to hide them....her emotions were all over the place but all she seemed to want to do was to let him hold her. He stood up...held out his hand and all he said was ...."you better get home"....Terror struck her heart and he saw it. He walked her outside and put his hands on her shoulders and asked her what was going on......she couldn't tell him....it would put him in danger too....somehow he knew though....and all he said to her was..."You don't have to be afraid of anything....I will always be here for you...you know that".....being uncomfortable she started joking around and ran up a small embankment to gather a snow ball. When she was with him she felt so light.....she felt so safe.......so she gathered one up and started to throw it when she slipped.....of course....he was right there to catch her.....and it happened....their eyes met and he kissed her. It was like a scene from an old movie.....caught up in the kiss for what seemed the longest time they suddenly realized what was happening and pulled away. Her life would never be the same after that.

They began to see each other, she began to make plans to leave her marriage....but they both agreed it was because the marriage was over....not because of their relationship. It was going to be harder than she thought....her husband would threaten even more when she talked about separating, he refused to get help, she was feeling exhausted from a double life and guilty from not being able to live with integrity.

One night she decided to stay home and get some rest because she was just tired of running away....her husband came home drunk beyond drunk....he always wanted to fight with her, especially if he couldn't have his way....tonight she decided she was fighting back....before she could get the bathroom door closed and locked he had his body in the door and threw a punch that sent her to the floor....she crawled toward the stairs and he pulled her up and shoved her down them....she made her way to the door to the extra set of keys....she left her purse in the car on purpose...just in case...and she got away. Crying and hurting she made it to the nearest pay phone and called him. She met him at the park and when he took her glasses of she began to cry.....he was angry, she had never seen this look in his beautiful blue eyes before....but he didn't say anything....he gently kissed her swollen cheek...told her to get in and took her to get ice. Once she was settled down he began to drive.....he wouldn't tell her where he was going and the when he took the Sahara exit she knew....she began to cry and plead with him. He was taking her to her parents, he was going to get her Dad. She was so scared she was trembling, she told him she could take it and didn't want him or her Dad to go to jail.....He pulled up in front of the house next door to her Moms and took her in his arms. " You have to promise me you will tell them and you will leave....not for me but before he kills you" he said through tears in his eyes. She would have told him anything so that her Dad wouldn't find out and she nodded yes....He drove her back to her car and followed her to her friends....her best friend by now knew and he took her there. She had good friends....they let her shower, made her food and made her crawl right in bed next to them....her best friend stoked her hair until she dosed off to sleep.

It was a few days later when she went home, during the week her husband was usually good and didn't drink. He was busy trying to make it up to her with stories like " he blacked out...doesn't remember...blah blah blah" and that was all she heard...she hated him now. She told her friend that she couldn't see him until she straightened this out....he understood but he didn't like it...he was worried. So he started stopping by and hanging out with her husband....he thought if he was there then she would be safe and she was for the most part. Because of all of the stress she ended up sick with bronchitis and started sleeping on the couch....she was safe there because when he would come in drunk he would pass her and go upstairs and pass out. One night she was finally starting to feel better and had dosed off into a deep sleep....all she remembers is her drunken husband dragging her upstairs by her hair...he was going to force himself on her....Her mind was spinning but she knew there would be no way this would ever ever happen again....he smacked her and when she fell to the ground she grabbed the gun in the nightstand, shoved the clip in and aimed right at his chest....he didn't stop...he came at her and she closed her eyes, prayed to God to forgive her and pulled the trigger............he fell to the ground.....laughing....the clip had fell out of the gun onto the floor. He lay on the floor laughing like a hyena .....she grabbed the phone called her best friend and ran, as hard and as fast as she could .....they picked her up in her t-shirt and underwear on the corner. Again she stayed at their house.

Her best friend called him this time .....he rushed over.....he told her to meet him later he had a plan. So later that evening she met him....at the park...their favorite place. He had two plane tickets to California and wanted her to leave on Saturday...."We can start over....I can get my contractor license anywhere" he pleaded..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1xiFRccd88&feature=related (Lionel Richie My Love) she started to cry....overwhelmed, feeling beaten down and yet so loved...she was only 21 years old....she told him she had to think about it......and then when she answered him she told him they needed to wait....He was angry...he didn't understand he told her if she loved him she would go....and she did...she loved him more than anything and that was part of the problem....she didn't want him to leave what he had worked so hard for here....what she didn't understand is that at that moment when she told him no....he began to let her go.....he couldn't handle her pain any longer and he loved her enough to let her figure out things on her own. Over the next few years it was a crazy time.....she left her husband....for herself.....her first love came in and out of her life but never really stayed gone. There are many many more stories that belong here but the most important thing to know is that over the next 28 years he was always there....even though they ended up with different people....they both always knew a piece of their hearts were each others......and now tomorrow September 14, 2010 I have to say goodbye to my first true love.....the man that gave me wings.....my knight in shining armor....and I will cry, yet inside my heart he lives and the memories which are to many to list here will live with me forever. RIP Butch....I know you'll be watching me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnJDaqT3-0 (/Every Breath You Take-Sting)

Believe

2010-09-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

Even in our darkest hours
   it's there
Even when we feel like failure
   it's there
When we lose
   it is still there
It is at our lowest we find it
lying beneath the blanket of darkness
Hiding around negativity's corner

it is there

Awaken your soul,

have no fear

for your light rises each dawn

your faith always near

Another twenty four hours to get it right

Another day to stay in the light

And tho' the sun sets and darkness surrounds you,

look up you will see

Hope smiles in the night sky .......right up until that last hour

Remember it is in the darkness

if we look.....

We will find our Power

"WHY"?

2010-08-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

When I first started Isagenix it was just a health product to me and honestly until I was actually on the product I didn't think it would be any different than the rest....little did I know that my life was about to change in a big way. Isagenix is a cleansing product that helps your body cleanse the toxins it encounters and it does it on a cellular level....that is the scientific part of it. I have began more than a body cleanse....I have begun to cleanse my life from the toxins, the pain, the negativity and all of the past "yuk". I didn't plan on it being this way it just happened....or so I thought until today.

Once I started to feel the results of this amazing product my belief in it became overwhelming and I discovered that this was a way to fulfill one of the dreams I had always had of being a nutritionist that would help people nutritionally heal their bodies. I have endless books on the power of healing foods, however I gave up on that dream because of the schooling it required....I just didn't see myself putting in that kind of time...so I let that dream go....along with myself and my own health.

In network marketing you must be on a constant journey of self development and for the first time in my life I have felt "open" and "coachable"....so I began not knowing what I was really looking for. I am learning to set goals, have a vision, and the steps to achieve what I want. Typical right? I felt just that way....like I was going through these motions but I didn't know why....."WHY"....a big part of the journey in self improvement is finding your "why". Well of course I know my "why" I thought....to have financial freedom, to be able to help my kids like my parents helped me, to be able to move to that little shack on the beach and spend my afternoons writing and to be healthy so that I will not die like my parents did. Sounds great right? These are still very big "whys" for me and will remain in my list of "whys", however something was happening to me emotionally that I did not understand. August is a tough month for me because it is the month that my parents both became ill and passed...August and September...I just chalked it up to that.

One of my most favorite young people, a billionaire at the age of 27, a motivational writer and speaker is Jordan Wirz. He is not my favorite because of the things I just listed....he is my favorite because he took the time one day to recognize an email and remember someone that was in need of his help. I believe that the connections I have been having lately are gifts from God, a sort of divine intervention on my behalf. That is a whole other story.....anyway I am reading and working the steps in his book and in this moment in the middle of one of his chapters it hit me like a ton of bricks....Emotion washed over me like this raging wave that I could not control, I felt as if I had been knocked off my feet and my stomach felt strange....A single tear dropped onto the page and the floodgates were opened....I sprung to my feet and started pacing because this is the month, or rather 2 months that I do not allow myself to cry because if I do I'm afraid I won't stop. Well, the pacing didn't help because these "ah ha" moments kept coming at me just like the crashing waves on a beach....one minute rolling the next crashing. It was and is the most incredible discovery I have made and for the first time I think that I have done two things....One I have discovered the reason I am so passionate and so relentless about this nutritional product and the problems we are facing with our health.....Two...I am beginning to heal. I have discovered the biggest "Why" I have to do what I am doing....in doing this business as a Health, Wellness and Cleansing Coach I have the opportunity to help people become healthy and the opportunity to heal my pain of losing my parents. What do the two have to do with each other? Let me tell you......

When my mother became ill with COPD they told us it was from smoking, of course that was the obvious reason. Me, being the researcher that I am, (which by the way I took from my Mom) started researching her options and of course why she got this horrifying disease. I found out about the chemicals used to treat the tobacco and was shocked that they were allowed. I also knew that she had painted with every type of chemical laden paint there was, she hated bugs so she sprayed the strongest pesticides she could find, she remodeled every house we ever had, which meant dealing with possible lead paint and asbestos and God knows what else. The more I researched the more I knew what was coming. Then the medications began, most of which she was allergic to.....the meds that she needed the most made her worse....She had a great doctor and he nutritionally counseled her, helped her to gain weight and begin to fight the battle she had in front of her. Through all of my research I couldn't help her, I couldn't change anything.....I was helpless...I turned it over to God and was there for her through every step....right up until the night she collapsed in my arms and I knew I was getting ready to say goodbye. I was angry....not at God...but at the tobacco companies, the paint companies....and I vowed to avoid any type of chemicals because I myself had already experience chemical toxicity. I lost my Mom, my best friend on August 18, 2004 she was 64 years young.

My Dad lived three years longer than my Mom....but not without pain and suffering from his own diseases. He was a walking miracle. In his lifetime he had underwent 18 MAJOR surgeries. He had spinal and neck fusions, gallbladder, appendix, stomach cancer, defibrillator and pacemaker, and a triple aortic aneurysm from which he only had a 10% chance of living. On top of all of this he also had skin cancer and diabetes. He was amazing...he ran around at 74 like he was 30. He never let anything stop him...he had life in him....His neck and back problems were due to accidents, however his other conditions were due to diet....you see my Dad was a complete meat and potatoes man, from the South, everything fried. He was also a big bacon, sausage and processed meat eater. All chemical laden foods. After his stomach cancer in which he had most of his stomach removed he began to eat a little better until my Mom passed and then he did whatever he wanted because he knew....if his time was limited he was going to live the life out of it....and he did.
When he would start feeling bad I would research the recent medications he was on....19 of them to count...and find out the side effects and what he could do nutritionally to help....some of those meds actually contributed to his heart problems and blood sugar issues.....but they were needed to treat the same problems...Is that crazy? We had to be careful of supplements and I tried to help him with anything I could....I couldn't help him.....Congestive Heart Failure took him from me September 27, 2007.

My parents struggled their whole lives to give me and my siblings the best that they could....we always thought we were rich.....we weren't rich with money....we were rich with love. I watched my Mom cry at night over a stack of bills and I also watched and helped them build companies that gave them a little financial freedom in the latter part of their lives....however....most of it they gave to their children and grandchildren. In my Dad's final year he lived with a huge financial burden and worry that he would outlive the money he had, which he did and he began to live on credit cards. Most of this I didn't realize until after he passed....It made me scared to think that I might be there someday......being worried about affording my medication or food. This is not how we were meant to live our lives in our Golden Years.......I knew I had to do something different, however I felt lost....what was I going to do? Divorced, broke, and losing everything I had....which honestly meant nothing to me because I knew what real loss was now....I began to explore my possibilities...with no success....I felt as though I were hitting a wall at every turn.

I wanted to be the parent to my children that my parents were to me....but that didn't seem to be God's plan...I started Isagenix and realized I could become whatever I wanted....I decide my income...sounds great right? Again....keep hitting walls....until tonight...the wall came down or I stepped through a door....either way I know WHY.....I KNOW MY WHY!

I couldn't help them.....no matter what I did, how much I researched....I COULDN'T SAVE THEM! No matter what I did I couldn't make my Dad's final years easier like he had made so many of mine. I know my parents were proud of me and loved me and I have no doubt in their belief in me....my doubt has been of myself..until tonight.

This all brings me to my "ah ha" moment that has me still reeling...that is why I had to get it out in print...I'm still processing this.....I am very, very, very serious about Isagenix....and sometimes I feel strange because I am so emotional about it.....again...chalking it up to the emotional months....until tonight. I hear of someone else being diagnosed with Cancer....a child suffering from a brain tumor....friends with heart problems....and I cry.....thinking "Damn.....if only they would have known about all of this before".....I knew I loved this product and I know it is changing lives....I see it...there are facts....it is not something that you need to "buy into"....It is real...the danger is real....and I want to change that.

I am watching people I love struggle everyday financially and physically......one affects the other...they go hand in hand....Single mom's getting laid off, unemployment cut...not way to pay their bills or feed their children....Families losing everything. Families face with medical crisis' and no money to pay for the help they need. It is frightening and unnecessary. I am drawn to help.....I feel as though I am called to do this...like I have been preparing my whole life for this time. I want to change this

I do what I do because I couldn't save them.....I couldn't change the damage....I certainly knew I couldn't take on the food industry, tobacco industry, chemical, pharmaceutical, etc., I felt in some way as though I had let them down.....I know that it was not my job to "fix it" or "save" them and I didn't even know I had this weighing on me until tonight....I knew there was something that I couldn't heal....I thought it was just because I missed them so much...and that won't ever change but this was something deeper....something that kept me up at nights...I couldn't save them but I CAN help save someone.....I can help my family and friends know about these terrible things that cause so much damage....I can teach my children and my grandchildren to help themselves be protected and hopefully change something in this toxic world.....I can take my pain and turn it into something amazing.

My "Why"?...........You just read it......this is something I must do and in doing it I will help heal that part of me that felt like I should have known.

I'm not sure I can explain the feeling I have tonight...my emotions are all over...I feel relief, empowered, excited....tired ......and inspired.

I would suggest to any of you that read this to discover yourself.....a great start is a book called Become Incredible by Jordan Wirz. He lives in Las Vegas and is a very kind and wonderful person. This book will bring you to your knees .....do the work in it....You are worth it and I'm glad I am.....it is a journey...one that I do not believe ends and it is hard..sometimes there are tears,anger and denial....then you work through them and find the joy....because that my friends is what we should be living....a joy filled life...loving what we do and doing what we love.

For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the morning, I have a whole new outlook and know that I need to trust myself and my feelings.....I know that people might get sick of me telling them about it but I will not stop.....I cant....I have to do everything I can to help people help themselves and I do not feel bad about it all.....Thank you Mom and Dad....even in your afterlife you are still pushing me towards being the best I can be and inspiring me....I miss you.

The Leach

2010-07-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

In a body cast with a hole in the stomach area he spent his waking hours chasing after her, she was barely a year old and quite the handful. "BaBa" she would yell as she banged her little fist on the refrigerator.....most would think she meant a bottle but he knew she wanted a slice of the stick bologna that he had in the fridge. He would struggle, in pain and get her what she wanted because she was his weakness, she was his baby girl. Once she got her piece of bologna he would lay down and she would crawl up and lay down on his belly, right in the hole in the cast and that is how she became "The Leach"!

No matter where he was she was hanging on to his leg. He was hard pressed to have an adult conversation with the men at a party because his little leach was always hanging on. He never seemed to mind, in fact he spoiled her rotten. When she was barely two years old he found a little car that he wanted her to have, however he thought it should be red. He bought it and took it down to a body shop and had it painted red so that his little leach would have her little red car. Her Mom described the scene when they picked it up. "Right between a big truck and a sedan here sat this little red car on a hoist....It was shameful!" she would say.The day after he brought it home his little leach laughed with glee then beat it up with a big spoon, chipping the beautiful red paint that he had just spent their grocery money on..... he just laughed.....after all....she could do no wrong in his eyes.

As the years passed nothing changed, she was always one of the boys and right by her Daddy......even when they wanted to have some male bonding time! There were times when her brothers and Dad would have to sneak out just to have that time and her Daddy knew he would be wracked with guilt and have to make up to her.....always! They went fishing....she went fishing....they had BB guns....she had one too....they jumped on motorcylces.....hers had to be bigger....all the while he encouraged her and let her be herself. He always made her feel safe no matter what she did.

I am that "leach" and that man was the best Daddy any little girl could have......He made me feel safe and empowered.....he was like that eagle that soars so high and I was the little butterfly resting on his wing.....This is just the beginning of a chapter about my Daddy.....and it will take many chapters to cover his life....He was more than just an amazing Dad.....he was a great man and a mentor to many....so there will be more to come!

VISION

2010-07-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

"As the car decended upon the coast, I drew a breathe of fresh sea air, it was as if I were breathing in a thousand little fingers massaging all of the stress from my body. This is where I feel home.....this is where I feel peace....this must be the place I am headed to....soon!" This paragraph has been in my drafts for a year now and for the first time I believe it to be true, I believe that I will be exactly where I want to be......

Sitting on the balcony above the ocean, breathing in the salty air I close my eyes and become my vision. Today I am healthy, fit and sitting on the porch of my own little beach house......I have an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. I am in balance.....my life is finally what I have worked hard for it to be. My finances are in balance....my body, soul and spiritual self is balanced. I have no worries.....my children are doing well financially and physically. .I have happiness, friendship, love, joy, peace and I am content. I have another book started on the computer sitting on the beautiful desk just inside.....Life is good.....I sit and take in the wonderful breath of air filled with jasmine and honeysuckle mixed with a salty ocean breeze and I think.....AHHHHHHH!
This is my vision, this is where I am going and this is where I WILL BE by the time I turn 55. I have become a doer....not a gonna doer! I have set my goals and my eye is on the prize, I have begun to build the life I thought I was building all these years and I am ok with it......I am more than ok with it.....I am ECSTATIC! For once in my life I feel capable, able, strong, confident, positive and hopeful.......for real........not just a thought or a dream in my head but an actual reality. I know what I am called to do and I am not suprised by it anymore.....this is what I was always suppose to do....I just needed to learn some lessons before I was ready to embarq on this journey.....I smile because I know my Mom and Dad are smiling down on me and I can hear my Mom tell me ..."I told you so!" of course like mothers do. I can hear my Daddy say "I always knew you could do it, I don't know why you didn't know you could do it!" (He used to tell me that all the time.)
So here in print I am putting it out there......I will reach my goals, I will have my life that I want and I will do it by helping others to do the same.....and today.....I BELIEVE IT!

49th mile marker...........

2010-06-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

I looked up and the sun was starting to peak it's bright eyes over the mountain.....I had pulled one of my famous allnighters.....cleaning and getting ready for my forty ninth birthday......As I was unpacking some of the things I have been procrastinating on I came across an envelope with some writing on the outside.....a note from my Mama dated 6-11-88.....my twenty seventh birthday....it was the invitation to my wedding.....On it she wrote me a note, as she did alot when we were kids, and she even had a little funny part from my Daddy....Of course the note brought me to tears....then I opened the envelope.

Our wedding invitation was just like we were at that time...young, innocent, friends and in love.....probably the one love that I will have in my life......as I looked at it I was reminded at what the last twenty three years had entailed......the road travelled seemed short...yet so long. Many mountains where the view was breathtaking and many valleys with bumpy roads where there was no view and it litterally took my breath....not in a good way. There were weddings, births of my children, neices, nephews, friends children, grandchildren......there were many goodtimes, some pretty crazy wild times....there were sad times.....and then somehow I have arrived at joy times. So many things ran through my mind as I held this note and read it from my Mom.
I caught a glimpse of the clock and realized I had a big day ahead that I better get some rest....so I checked my facebook because I had had a bunch of posts and of course had to check! And right there before I went to bed I encountered my firts dose of inspiration at the 49th mile marker. I posted about my Mom calling me every year....she was the first one to call me and she would tell me all about the day I was born.....every year the same story with the same silly cute details.......I was sad for a moment and then I realized....She did send me a message....by letting me find this note that she had written twenty three years ago! I was tired so I shutdown and caught a few hours of sleep because I knew I was going to have a great time with my friends and family that night........A great time....that was not even close to what it turned out to be.
I heard the doorbell ring and then again.....My daughter and sister were there and setting stuff up...I was still getting ready....Listening to the hustle downstairs I was thinking about that 49th mile marker......Thinking back to the beginning....................

It was a hot summer day in Vegas, I could here her coming through the back door...."Get ready, go clean up...put your shoes on....Yes Stevie I promise chocolate pie....no Kim it won/t hurt.....where is Joe? Kathy get the kids to the car" she was barely taking a breath because with four little kids she didnt have time to.
She was taking them all down to get their immuniztions and the only way to get it done without the drama was to promise us a pool and chocolate pie! Worked everytime and we looked forward to it! She had this knack for turning the most grueling tasks into a fun time. With four of us, all with different personalities, she had to stay on her toes! Needless to say that afternoon we ate chocolate pie and swam in our blow up pool! Life was good! I was 5

"If I could put time in a bottle...."

2010-05-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Time......slipping through our hands
flying, ticking away....
we are always chasing it.....
Time is a hot commodity....you can't bank it.....
can't save it .....
Life gives no refunds on our time.
While you are doing what your doing....time is ticking AWAY...that word away....meaning going, gone....forever. Time is not important to anyone but us humans....
that is because we love,we cherish,we value each other, yet sometimes the most important thing we can do for one another is give of our time and we dont.
Why is that? Well....let's start with...work, kids, house, chores....just to start....
Kids...yes they are where our time should be
focused....
Work...it should have a piece of the pie because we have to feed those kids....
the rest....
just stuff.....
stuff that wont matter when we are out of Time!

My Other Self

2010-05-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Inspiration comes from so many different places and sources. If we are not open to it we will miss it......so many things inspire me lately and in so many different ways. I have begun to take better care of my health and who would have known that in doing that I would be inspired to live my whole life better.....Cleansing....God it feels so good....to cleanse the body, the mind, the spirit......Cleansing the body has been a practice for thousands of years ....little did I know that it would inspire me to cleanse other areas of my life.....Toxins are just that...Toxic...dangerous, unhealthy.....We find them everywhere....sometimes in our lives, our habits, our thinking.....some toxins are unnamed....they come in the form of people....those people that cant wait to bring you down ....just like the flu that waits on the grocery cart for you to grab it and give it a place to grow. Not such a great thought is it!?
I have to say I owe some of these "toxins" a thank you.......for I have learned in ridding them from my body my life that I have another "self". Not the Gemini twin that I am forever joking about but my true authentic self.....and this self has been inspired by many things..........
Friendship....an amazing gift from someone that believes in you, without judgement, with complete heart and soul....inspires me to be worthy.
Books....I have always loved to read, however for the longest time I stopped. I dont know why....I just did....lately I cant get enough....audio books, books on my nightstand, my purse, my car......I have 3 going right now.....all inspiring me in so many ways.
Business......I have to be honest...I have never been inspired by business...My mind works creatively....not in a business sense....I wish it did...but lately......I am inspired by my new business....by the people in it...and because I know I am helping someone by doing it.....I never realized how great that would feel....the paycheck is just the icing on the cake.
In one of the books I am reading it talks about being positive.....how many times do we hear this....I am a very positive person but today I had an AHA! moment.....being positive is hard and thinking positive isnt enough....you have to BE positive, exude positivity, live it and walk and talk it.....Then...it will change your life and believe it or not those around you. It is like my Mom used to say......be the light....I get it now.

In my new business I have been working on my mission statement, goals and my "why" for what I want in life.....This is not an easy task.....I have to say I am still working on it but in writing this piece I have discovered one of my "why"'s, and part of my mission statement.(that to come later). I love helping people....whether it is to get through tough times or lose weight or whatever....I like being a cheerleader....and while Im writing this I am discovering more of my other self.....I never thought I was a leader because leaders are aggressive, egotistical, and bossy right? NO....they dont have to be.....I, as I write this have decided to become a leader. Wow....my other self.....hmmm....should I save that for another post? Naww....what the hell....Lets see....my other self is...............a writer, a leader, a teacher. a student, positive, happy, growing, becoming........ME!

How do you pry open the file cabinet in your brain that is overflowing with beautiful thoughts and amazing stories?

2010-05-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting here tonight at my computer with so much in my head that I feel as though I'm in the eye of a storm.....stories, thoughts, words......swirling around me yet here I sit....blank....in the last week I packed and unpacked my my life.....sorting through pictures, memories, knick knacks and "stuff". Cleared out alot of those things that were not useful or meaningful to me anymore......Letting go.....something I wish I could do with my brain! As I was going through those things I was flooded with inspiration to write.....to tell my story of where I have been but I also realized that I want to tell another story......the one of my life to come.
Sitting here tonight, physically and emotionally spent I feel numb, yet a million things on my mind.....chatter...lots of chatter....if I could only organize that chatter I could express myself......Being a Gemini is what my Mom used to call it.....she always swore I had two personalities...and I think I might...there is a side of me that is the eternal optimist.....always happy.....always putting out that positive energy, having fun, laughing , living, loving......and then....there is the side that is confused, sad, sometimes angry at the choices I have made. The side that is a loner.....and lonely even when I'm in a room full of people....this side is the one that creates.....this side is the one that is always asking "why".....I have amazing faith in God and I know that He has a plan for me but this side of me wants to ask Him...."why"? Why have I had to lose so much? Why is it the tighter I hold on it pops out of my grasp? Why did I let go of the loves that could have made me happy? Why did I hang on to the one that didn't? Why do I feel less and not good enough?.....I could go on and on....because this is my self defeating side....the one that I know drives God crazy and it drove my Mom crazy.....these are answers I need .....however these answers are only going to come from one place.....within my own heart...(see....here comes my positive side) LOL...I don't feel sorry for myself.....I actually feel blessed because I am so much stronger and better because of what I have been through....I just don't want to waste anymore time making the same mistakes......I want to write....and write...and write......So why cant I find my way? Writing this blog right now is just journaling.....just releasing...I can write it easier than I could talk about it.....and Im so tired that nothing is making sense...as I am rattling I realized the subject I need to work on, the one that I need to write about is Letting Go......and then there is the book....Vegas Daughters....Journey to the beginning....maybe I dont need to start from the beginning...maybe I need to do just what the title says.....Journey to the beginning....from now going back....(Sigh....long Sigh) Wow...not sure I should even post this except I know my creative friends will help me organize my brain!!! LOL You know who you are!!! I guess the first step to take is to Let Go....I need to let go of the thoughts that dont matter....the drama of people that dont put me in the same place as I put them...I need to let go of the old me.....Wow...I just got it....epiphany!....That is it.....I talk about feeling like the butterfly that is breaking from her cocoon and that is how my life has been but I am not allowing myself to "feel" it......I have so many things I have been through that I dont think people will really believe them....lol...so many stories that come to right now.....where do I start...? Thinking about them makes me cry and feel empowered at the same time.....does that make sense.....should I delete this post....could they commit me LOL.....The butterfly must be so tired from all that work.....I cant wait to feel what they feel when they finally break through.....FREE.

Mama

2010-05-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

You filled my day with rainbow lights
Fairytales and sweet dream nights
A kiss to wipe away my tears
Chocolate pudding to ease my fears
You gave the gift of life to me
And then in love you set me free
I thank you for your tender care,
for deep warm hugs and being there.

In the end the choice was on me...
Now I was the one that had to set you free

So much regret, so much pain.....

I know what you went through

Again......and again

I knew from your eyes....it was time to end

I hope that when you think of me

A part of you , you will always see

I love you Momma....til eternity ends

Your daughter and always your best friend

Unconditional Faith..........jumping and not being afraid.

2010-03-27T13:36:00.001-07:00

The "Life Panel" Part 2 Rough Draft

2010-03-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

It was in the morning hours when they had finally moved her to a room. I looked at my Dad, it seemed as though he aged 20 years in front of my eyes that night. Talking to him I realized what I already knew in my heart but would not allow my thoughts to believe.....her disease had progressed....but with her disease was something else.....something the doctors were looking for....answers to our questions...."What happened?" What had caused her to go into this severe of an attack.....there were so many blood tests being ran on her that her arms looked like she had been beaten. Still no answers......they moved her to intensive care where there were monitors everywhere, tv's to the nurses station......rooms filled with death....the intense feeling of sadness and loss.........where was the hope?
My sister and I decided to stay and let my Dad go and get some rest...my brothers and him would come back the next day.....we weren't leaving her. At the time our fear was she would awake without us there and be scared....later our reasons for staying became sureal. Not knowing what was ahead, my little sister with her scared doe eyes sat and looked at me and for the first time in a long time we were closer than we thought we would ever be. We were facing losing her....with three or four triple latte's in our exhausted, adreniline, caffeine powered bodies we sat in chairs next to her bed. God gave us a break in the stress with a case of the giggles....here we were two grown women, laughing because we picked our underwear in front of the nurse tv....we laughed so hard because we knew we couldnt cry......we were not accepting anything and that was just how it was. Yes ....she was sick....but in our Pollyanna minds....she was MOM....she was invincible and she was one of God's greatest servants....we knew it would be ok....we would nor allow our faith to waiver...at least most of the time....As I sat staring at my little mama watching the rythmic pace and sound of the machine pumping life into her and I remembered a late night conversation only just a month before.

We sat at her breakfast bar.....oh the conversations around that! I asked her a question that was weighing heavily on my heart "Ma.....how do I know what unconditional faith is?" I asked. She knew I had been through the last 5 years of hell with my health and my marriage....she knew she had raised me to have a close relationship with God.....so she gave me the only answer she had. With her big beautiful brown eyes she looked at me, put her hand on mine and said "You will know." Of course I asked the question I had drove her crazy with my whole life..."How?"...."You will just know in your heart....just be quiet and just listen to God"
At that time during her sickness and after I had that unconditional faith.....not because I thought about it or tried....just because that is the way it was. As I type this story I realize that from the day I learned about having faith in God, I had unconditional faith.....a gift that a beautiful mother had given her daughter. As my own daughter grows into a beautiful young woman I see that she too has learned the power of faith. An incredible legacy that she will need to get her through the life she is about to embarq on.....very scary....It is like watching my life start over through her only she is wise and grounded and I have faith she will not make the same mistakes I made.

Unconditional faith is a no brainer when it comes to life....You have to give it to God....it is in his hands no matter how you beg or plead or bargain with him, ultimately it will be His choice. So have faith and trust that He will do what is best for you, even if you dont think so at the time!

Sometimes in our deepest pain we find our best inspiration

2010-03-05T18:10:00.001-08:00

The "Life Panel"

2010-03-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

I sat sobbing while I watched a video stream of Keith Obberman. He was speaking of his private six month hell he had been living and watching his beloved father struggle through. The hell of healthcare.....the hell of being sick and not knowing why.....the hell of watching your loved one suffer and feeling helpless. I sobbed for him, I sobbed for his family and I sobbed for his father. They were tears of understanding, tears of my pain, tears for the pain of my family and tears because I was reliving the hell of my mother's pain....the hell of my father's pain.............then I prayed. Like Mr Obberman, I had had this talk, the one we all avoid having with our aging parents. Never did I ever think that I would have to be faced with the results from those talks until my mother, God rest her soul, became deathly ill in the year 2000. She had been diagnosed 2 years before with COPD.....one of the most horrible diseases to have.....you literally die by inches and there is nothing to reverse it.

We had just had a great family picnic in the park for Easter and although she was feeling bad she came. That is how she was, always sacrificing for her family. It wasn't long after she steadily became worse. I will never forget the day when I got the call from my Dad. He told me to come as soon as I picked up the kids from school....I was going to stop and get them a happy meal but I felt this sense of urgency and went straight to their house. We were so naive to sickness when it came to my Mom...she was never ill....it was always my Dad...I walked in to find her slumped over in the chair, my Dad panic stricken trying to give her a breathing treatment. Her eyes were glazed, she was struggling to catch her breath and she was delirious which at the time we didnt know was due to the high levels of carbon dioxide in her body....that is what happens when you are unable to push the old air our of your lungs....it builds up and begins to shut your body down..it is poison.
If we had known we would have called 911 but instead we loaded her into the car and rushed her to the hospital right down the street, all the while I was on the phone to the emergency room telling them we were bringing her in....was I crazy? Yes....I was....I still had both of my kids....driving like crazy...calling the rest of my family and my Mom's doctor.......I was crazy with fear....fear like I had never known....or so I thought.

It had been what seemed like hours and we were all pacing the floor in the waiting room....they wouldn't let us go back. My Dad finally came out and told us we could go in one at a time........My brother went first and when he came out I saw the look on his face....I felt my stomach turn into a knot....He was being strong for everyone but I could see the fear in his eyes. All of our kids were there and we were all praying and struggling to keep it together in front of them. My Moms best friend was there and she looked at me ant told me "Kathy....be ready...she doesn't look like herself"..........WHAT?
Was this a nightmare....she wasn't in an accident....what did that mean? She had been put on a respirator....there was a machine keeping my beautiful Mom alive......there were tubes and monitors and her face was all swollen with tape wrapped around her tiny little head so tight and across her lips....What the hell was this? They said she was put into a coma on purpose....WHAT? COMA? ON PURPOSE? This is a hospital....aren't they suppose to "fix it"? I didnt know at the time....they were doing the best that they knew...what they were trained for...what we obviously were so oblivious to......I felt as though I had been thrown into the twilight zone....and that was just the first 3 hours of a long 3 months to come.....3 months of HELL.

The Ra Ra Sisterhood

2010-02-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

It is a place we come to be!
No need to worry about judgement for it doesnt exist, not here.
Bring your sadness, your tears and your troubles because you will be leaving them at the door
Bring your Joy, your Confidence, and your laughter.....soon you will see that is what we are all here for!
Always a fancy libation or three or two,and here all you need to be is simply YOU
Love, respect, support, shoulders to cry on, snickers,giggles & snorts and Patron to get high on!
A place we can be who ever we want, whenever we want, A place to share our dreams with no one to taunt,...... A place we take with us in our hearts when we leave. A place we come to that allows us to breathe
Until next time my Sista's..... we will be good.....until we hit the doors of the RaRa Sisterhood!!!!

Cheese and Crackers

2010-02-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

It was late at night, the other kids were asleep and she was sleepy but there was no way she would walk out of that kitchen. The little girl sat at the kitchen table, she had a lump in her throat from choking back the tears. She put her little hand on her mama's and was able to speak only a few words "Don't worry Mama, Daddy will be home soon....it will be ok". They had been fighting earlier and he had left to cool off. Her mama's friend had called and he was there......he had been crying too. Her mama smiled, wiped her tears and asked "Do you want to call your Daddy?" The little five year old that was trying so hard to hold it together for her, swallowed and nodded as her mama put the phone in her little hands and dialed. He answered, he had been sleeping, he had to be at work in just a few hours. "Hey baby....don't be sad" he said in a groggy voice. "Daddy will be home right after work tomorrow, ok? Give your mama a kiss for me and go night night" She answered "Ok Daddy, I love you". She was choking on her tears, but she would not let him hear it....she was his big girl. "I love you too baby" he whispered and then he hung up.
Her Mama took the phone and gave her a hug..."do you want to sleep in your daddy's spot tonight?" Her little eyes lit up, she finally took a deep breath and took her mama's hand.
She didnt understand why they were fighting but there was one thing she was sure of.....she was sure of the love. Her Mama had a hot temper, she knew that. She also knew they loved each other beyond measure, the kind of love that would transcend time.She had a deep connection with her mama even at such a young age. She felt her joy, her pain, her love, her hate, her happiness, her sadness, her pride and her disappointment. She knew there was a reason for her to be so mad and she didnt question it or judge her. She also thought her Daddy was the best thing since peanut butter, he was her hero, her protector and she was his "little leach". It was then that she began to learn the meaning of diplomacy, that there were always two sides and sometimes both of those sides could be right.

Of course the next day her daddy came home....all the kids rushed to greet him at the door as her Mama stepped out of the kitchen to look on. "Dinner will be ready soon" she said. He grinned that sheepish little grin that caught her eye the first day she met him and pulled a box of chocolates from behind his back. "I'm sorry....you know I love you" he whispered as he hugged her. Tears welled up in her mama's eyes as she looked over at the little girl standing behind them, the other kids had already ran back to their play....not her...she was the "big sister", she had to make sure it was ok. Her mama winked at her and her daddy turned around and picked her up "Go play little leach, Daddy's home" he said. He put her down, she jumped for joy, ran to make sure the other kids were ok and tell them it was all good.

Over the years this little girl would take her job as "big sister" very seriously. She had to set the example she was told.....she ate spinach, squash and many other things just to trick her siblings into eating their veggies! She would fight with, fight for and mow down anyone that would mess with her brothers or sister....it was her job along with making the peace. Her mama would tell her "You are the peacemaker, it is what you do and always will"......sometimes she would argue that point and her mama would remind her of the bible and tell her "Remember...... the peacemakers shall inherit the kingdom of heaven" so of course she would come around!

This wasn't the last time that little girl would sit with her Mama at the kitchen table late at night, there would be many more nights over the next 40 years. They had begun a tradition, cheese and crackers and a glass of milk would sooth over many tears, accompany many stories and celebrate many victories. These were not always sad times, many were filled with laughter, many were problem solving, scheme planning nights and they would carry over to the next generation. They would be joined by another daughter, a granddaughter, that became her mama's little kitchen table buddy, her Nana's little kitchen table buddy.....oh the discussions that were had on those late nights.
That little girl was me and even now that my beautiful mother is gone and my hero, my daddy has gone to join her I still have cheese and crackers with a glass of milk when I am feeling sad or lonely late at night. I close my eyes and she is still right here with me, I can hear her laughter and my daddy telling me "I love you too baby" (which were the last words he said to me before he passed)......a sense of safety, warmth and joy fill my heart.......I usually call my sister to talk and then all is right again.

2010-02-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

What to do.....it is as if a truck dumped a big block right in the middle of my brain! This big block is in front of this whirlwind of stories, memories, beautiful words and phrases.....I know they are there and I think about them all day long.....so how is that a writer overcomes that BLOCK!? How do we move it so that those thoughts will flow again out of our brains down to our fingers to that keyboard or paper? Maybe it is the weather......clouds in the sky....clouds in the brain!! Well my clouds need to burst and give me some rain....straight to my keyboard!!!

Who She was and will always be........

2010-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Strong heart, warm eyes, great hug,

...............fingers that could tickle you to sleep,

My biggest fan and always the one to tell me
"Go ahead....leap"
first I'd call with exciting news,
................. first one to call when I had the blues
...... comfort even over the phone, in her voice I always found home
She was always there when I was sick or couldnt sleep
.............and tell me say my prayers
Pray the Lord my soul to keep
our burdens we shared....
....................together nothing was to heavy to carry
a connection we had that was sometimes scary.
....she always knew me, She was my best friend
She was my Mom and will be to the end
Mom......that is who she was
.....................and will always be.

Today........is Someday!

2010-01-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today is Someday......when we were bright eyed innocent little kids we would say....."Someday I'm gonna be, do....have........"....we would dream of being movie stars, or space men or teachers, doctors, firemen, policemen.....the list goes and changes many times! We grew up thinking we HAD to be something or "someone" and we did....not all of us stayed with the same "I'm gonna......when I grow up" thing.....some us took turns and different roads that led us to where we are today.......Today is our Someday!

Funny, yet sad that it takes til our 40's to know now that even though we are something ....we are not the things that we do....we are the things that are intangeble....we are more than being a mom or a dad, daughter or son, friend or foe, etc.
One of my very wise friends just said..." .we have always allowed others to define us" In no way does that make us a victim....it has been a lesson.....it has been a season in our lives. Some of us are out of that season...others still in it....and then those of us struggling to get out of it....hanging on but wanting to let go...

It is time for US.......time to gather with friends....share our stories, our laughter, our goofiness....sometimes our seriousness....our kindness.....our love....our comfort.....Time to dance on tables, have a bon fire (even if it is in a fire pit and its not on Pebble Rd....LOL Im only a block off....close enought right?)

Time for a new season.....so in the cold of winter bundle up, make a cup of tea....ahhh....who am I kidding....have that glass of Merlot, shot of tequila, or fine aged whiskey.....and get ready! When the weather warms, and the flowers begin to bud and there are a few little birds starting to wake you early......then my friends we will celebrate OUR season!
Now don't get any crazy thoughts in your heads and go out and buy a sports car or start hanging out past your bedtime!!! I mean we will become US again.....only we will be wiser, hopefully smarter, kinder, however our time will be more valuable.....I think we will become more choosy in how we spend our time, our hearts, our feelings and our limits.....I think it will become a time of quality.....it will be a gift.....and if we don't slow down we will miss it....We spend a lot of time getting away from our beginning, a lot of time "becoming", a lot of time working on "our future"....on our kids future.....am I right? As for me ....I know.....it is ok to slow down...it is ok to smell the roses.....it is ok to stay you.....its ok to grow up...it is ok to act like a kid......I want my kids to know that their Mom did it....all of it...whatever "it" is and was happy.....I want them to know it is good to be responsible, but you can still be a kid no matter how old you are....I want them to know that hanging on to their joy and peace is the most important thing along with love.....I want them to learn to enjoy TODAY......and not wait for SOMEDAY......because when someday finally comes.....it leaves you with .........less.....time.

Live, Love and Laugh....Be Present in the moment......God gave you a new 24 hours to get it right!!!!!!!.....Today is your Someday!

A tribute to my Mom, My friend

2010-01-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

I wrote this right after I lost my Mom....pain seems to be our muse at times....This is for you Ma!

You filled my days with rainbow lights
       fairytales and sweet dream nights
A Kiss to wipe away the tears
                Chocolate pudding to calm my fears
You gave the gift of life to me
      And then in love you set me free
Im thankful for all your tender care
             For deep warm hugs and being there
When life would bring me to my knees
   We would give it to Jesus and ......dine on crackers and cheese!

In the end the choice was on me
    I was the one....... that had to set you free
So much sadness and so much pain
         I knew what you went ............again .........and again
I knew from your eyes.......... it was time to end
                               time to let go....... time to let you breathe
                                               time to trust ......that you will be waiting for me.

I hope that when you think of me
            A part of you.... you will always see
       I love you Ma..... til eternity ends
Love,
Your daughter and Your best friend

Its all about the Love....

2010-01-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

Funny how you can start something with one intention in mind and as you begin to process you find something you never expected, something that was so far from your vision that you are taken back by it. I have been working or beginning to work on a piece and just havent been able to find my "mojo" as my sister would call it. Then a friend wrote something today that stirred something in me.....that woke my "mojo"!

When I began to type it just came flowing out like this beautiful melody from an old, comfortable love song....and then it hit me....I wasnt just writing "my story".....I was writing a love story. This is not just any old love story and not a love story in the normal sense of the phrase, but a story of the "love of...."......the love of someones life, the love of their children, the love of God, the love of family, the love of friends, the love of love and the love of hate, the love of a city, the love of a lifestyle, the love of adventure, the love of the light and the love of the dark, the love of money, the love of winning and losing, the love of business, the love of generations, the love of laughter, the love of life until death......the "love of" !
I have had an undeniable awakening..........Love is not always a good thing, not that loving someone or something is bad....it just depends on what it is that you love and if it is worthy of that one emotion we are all afraid of, cant wait to experience, and sometimes cant wait to let go of.....Is who you love worthy of your love? Are you worthy of theirs? Is what you love worthy of the sacrifice you make to have it?

The only love that I am completely sure of is the love of and for God, the love I have for my children, and the love of my parents.....other than that, well I guess that is what I will find out in this story. Although I thought I had come full circle and forward was the only way I was moving, I have come to realize that I must go back....not backwards ..........I must take that Journey to the beginning and there is where I will find my story.
Everyone has a story.....especially living in Las Vegas! If you have been here since the 70's or 80's....WE my friend are what we call in Vegas "connected".......if you are a Vegan you will chuckle under your breath at that word.....for here in this city of sin it means many things! So what is your story? What is your "connection" to Vegas......oh and by the way....in no way is being "connected" a bad thing....in fact being "connected" and "reconnected" this last year has literally changed the direction of my life....it has changed my attitude, my self worth, my motivations and most of all my heart.....So tell me your story....you can change the names if you like...but we all know we have "Our story"!

Vegas Daughters (fiction based on real life)

2010-01-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

It was about 50 years ago when a small town Texas waitress saw him, "I'm going to marry that good lookin' man!" she told her best friend. He was a tall, dark, handsome man from Arkansas with a cocky attitude and a flirty smirk on his face. He was clean cut, yet rough around the edges and he had a twinkle in his blue eyes that melted her heart. Three months later they were married.........and brace yourself for a 50 year ride to Vegas!
She was a beautiful, young, feisty, doe-eyed looking for her way out of that small town life she felt was her ball and chain. She pulled no punches, she said what she thought and got what she wanted. Her heart was tender, yet strong and she had been beat down her whole life. It was her life now and she was grabbing it by the balls and going to live like there was no tomorrow. She was naive and small town but somewhere in that little Texan there was a worldly, intelligient, strong woman that knew what she wanted and on that day looking across that cafe counter she knew it was him!

It wasnt long and there was a baby on the way, her dreams were coming true! He was born, their first son.....they were like two kids with a new doll. He was a little man, Levi Cordel.....he had tiny little 501 Levis, a red flannel shirt and tiny little tennis shoes. He was so large to be so small, he was their life, their dream and he would only bless this world for a short time. All of the joy that he was, he would soon be a heartbreak that would never heal.
It was spring and everything was new and fresh, it seemed to bre the perfect time to start a life.....with their new marriage and new child ..........they were walking on the top of the world

Through my history I found my future, through my memories I found myself, through my faith I found my soul.

2010-01-09T01:43:00.000-08:00

Is the end the beginning or the beginning the end?

2010-01-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

I thought my first blog would be different than the thoughts I am about to write......somehow I thought I would be starting at the beginning........but today I lost someone very special to me and it made me wonder..........is it the end or is it the beginning? All my life I always seemed to just "know" things.....some were things that I never learned but somehow I knew...........some things were more intuitive things. Lately I have had the feeling something was coming to an end and with the New Year being upon us I had a sense of beginning, No I am not bipolar, nor do I have several personalities, however I am a Gemini!! This feeling I get happens when I am about to lose someone to death......it sometimes comes a year or so before but it doesn't leave until that person takes their last breath. Am I psychic....I don't know. What I do know is that my perception of death has changed, maybe because I have lost so many loved ones over the last decade or maybe because I have become so much stronger in my faith. Both have something to do with the other. I used to view it as the end....the end of a life here on earth, the end of a relationship, however now I have a sense of happiness for the person that I lost for they have come to the end of the beginning! Like the butterfly that works and toils as the caterpillar to build the cocoon around itself, a safe place for it to grow....for it to become.....for it to end its life as a caterpillar. Then just as it comes to its end the cocoon opens and the beautiful butterfly emerges, free, beautiful, peaceful in its beginning.........its end was its beginning. The sadness I feel today is from an ending and it is for me, for my loved one I feel joy because in the next few days his soul will emerge into the heavens where he will be with God, where he will be free of the binding of his cocoon, no pain, no ugliness.....just beauty, joy, freedom and peace. Rest in Peace my beautiful Uncle Cliff............I will see you when I am done building and growing in my cocoon